Babble Buzz

8 Things for which I have a passion:

1. Family (kids, husband, mom, dad, etc.)

2. Friends - There are a select few (maybe 2 or 3) people whom I actually trust.  So many people refer to others they just know as friends but how many of those would you trust with your life?  Probably not many.  And everyone knows true friends are hard to come by.  So to those few I’ve come to trust with just about everything, I hold dear to my heart. 

3. God - In all honesty, He should be number one.  But it is difficult to put God above all else in every day life when so often, that life is filled with distractions - good and bad.  That’s not an excuse but true. 

4. Integrity - This is important, not only to me but to those around me.  I can’t go through life living only for me, lying, cheating, etc. because eventually, the truth comes out anyway.

5. Honesty - Living with a liar is extremely difficult.  Being in contact with liars is also hard.  I won’t even lie to my children, even if they ask difficult questions.  It is just not right.  I think I’d rather be punched in the face than lied to, especially by someone I love.  Lies spawn hate and like integrity, the truth comes out eventually anyway.   

6. Love - Maybe not something most people consciously think about but I believe that love is a verb.  Of course it can manifest from emotion - a feeling of fondness, but like anything else worth having, it cannot work unless you work at it and show it every single day.  It seems to be the only thing people are willing to give their lives for but never think about proving.

7. Helping People - This one is almost funny because it’s a side of me most never see.  I haven’t purposefully hidden it but most people just never stop to ask or think of me in this way.  I would give up everything if I knew it would help someone else.  I care a lot about others, especially those less fortunate.  This is not to boast.  I don’t like praise.  It embarrasses me.  I guess this is so ’secret’ because I’m more of a ‘behind the scenes’ helper.

8. Myself - Inwardly, even if I never show it, I am proud of myself.  I don’t spend a lot of time on how I look.  I don’t keep up with fashion trends or hang out in popular places with popular people.  I often go against the grain.  Many don’t like me.  But I am proud because I am a good person, love God, take care of my babies, am faithful to my husband and loyal to my family and friends.  I have my faults but am happy to be me.

8 things I’d like to do before I die:

1. Travel Europe - I’ve never been out of this country.  I am in my mid-twenties, married and raising a family.  I’m not ‘old’ yet but I know that if I continue with my every day life as it has been, I will never ’see the world.’  I need to make plans now so that in a few years, I’ll have the money and time to actually do it. 

2. Write a book - I’ve always loved writing.  I used to write poetry a lot.  When I was a teen, I had a few published in different books.  When I was in high school, I wanted to be a photo journalist for National Geographic.  I do not regret passing that dream up but I would at least like to write at least one story that has been on my mind for a while, and have the book published.

3. Create and maintain a successful website - I love building websites and forums.  I find it relaxing and stimulating at the same time.  I have taught myself a lot of what I know today about coding and design.  It is a fun hobby but I would like to find a topic I know a lot about that people also like, and run a website and maybe a podcast along with it that others would venture to. 

4. Sing in a band - I grew up in a very musical family.  We all sing and some of us play instruments.  When I was little, I used to travel with my mom, aunt and grandmother to different churches to sing.  They were in a singing group and would let me sing solos after their performance.  I loved it.  And I miss it.  I miss being apart of something like that, it was important and reached a lot of people.  I would love to do that again but with other musicians and ‘trade the altar for a stage’ if at all possible.

5. Meet TD Jakes - I can’t say it enough; I love this man!  I don’t know if it’s because he’s from WV and I feel like I can relate to him, or if his sermons just hit home with me.  Maybe both.  But I’d love to sit down with him and pick his brain.  He inspires me because I know he came from nothing, yet is a very popular televangelist now.  He reminds me that God truly can do anything for anyone.

6. Start a Business - I would love to start and run my own photography business.  I am very good at photography in general.  I can ’shoot’ anything and make it look good.  I’ve done weddings in the past and used to work at a portrait studio.  My true passion in in terms of photography, however, is landscape and wildlife.  I’ve always had a fondness for the outdoors and there are so many opportunities to capture the beauty of this earth.  I would love to do that and make some money off of it too.

7. Finally acquire marital bliss - Hubby and I both have serious emotional baggage.  Our pasts have found their way into our marriage and some issues have been between us for years.  Although I believe we are on the right path to getting through them, there is still much work to be done in healing ourselves and our marriage.

8. Pay off debt - Aside from about $20,000 in student loans I’ve accumulated thus far, I still have medical bills from the time I was 18 years old.  Because I’ve not worked in over seven years in order to be a SAHM for my children, those bills just keep haunting me.  I would love to be able to pay them off very soon and FINALLY become free from the phone calls and letters and point-blank harassment of bill collectors.

8 things I say a lot

1. Whatever!

2. Yeah right.

3. Mmhmm…OK…

4. Not funny.

5. Are you making fun of me?

6. Duh?!

7. Interesting!

8. Yes-huh!

8 Books I’ve read recently

1. CORE Christianity

2. The Blessing and The Promise

3. Courageous Faith

4. FOUND: God’s Will

5. The Bible (of course, just about every day)

6. Family Living (magazine)

7. Focus On the Family Weekend (magazine)

8. Dominion (still reading this one)

8 movies I’ve seen 8 times (at least!)

1. Fried Green Tomatoes

2. Steel Magnolias

3. Dirty Dancing

4. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

5. Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

6. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

7. Star Wars: Attack of the Clones

8. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

Tuesday - 05/06/08 - 5:09pm

While at the playground with the boys this afternoon, a car (looked like an older maroon, Crysler Lebaron) with two Mexican men in it parked beside my truck and just sat there, watching us.  They sat there for a while before I got nervous and grabbed my phone, pretending to dial out, although I had no service (in reality, I was PRAYING that God protect us).  They pulled out and I got scared, thinking they would come back.  So I got the boys and left as quickly as possible.

While driving back home, I saw their car parked at the local convenience store.  The only thought going through my head was them being there to buy beer before going back to that park.  I wouldn’t have ever thought of that except that I learned in college of this kind of behavior in rapists, and watch a lot of Forensic shows that tell of serial rapists doing just that; scoping out a place to abduct a woman, going to buy booze/drugs and then using/drinking while stalking her before the actual attack/rape/murder…apparently the ‘high’ adds to the rush.  I was there alone with my two small sons.  I was an easy target for any attacker, as I was unarmed and pre-occupied with my children.

I came home and immediately called my husband, who didn’t take me seriously.  He told me he had to look at a job and was talking to a customer.  He didn’t ask what was wrong (although I was crying), so I hung up on him.  I sat in our front room, watching out the window, until he called me back to say he was on his way and to finally ask what happened.  I told him, through tears and rage over him not caring enough to ask before, and hung up.

I had to blog about it to just get everything out, and maybe document it in case something does happen here in the near future.

I quit smoking this past Saturday night but I swear, right now I want a cigarette more than I ever have before!!!

I made these to post as comments on a karaoke site I go to, called Sing Snap.

 Anyone can use them by right-clicking and saving to your own computer.  Please do not hotlink these or any other graphics on this site.

 Thanks.

The more I mess with Photoshop, the more I love it!  Makes me wonder how I ever got on without it.  So, here are some glitter text files.  Anyone can use them as long as you right click and save to your own computer.

NOTE:  These were made for a support site I help with, but I may make more for general usage web-wide in the future.  If you like them and have a request, you can email me at phoenixorion@babblebuzz.com but be patient, as I’m a student, parent and very busy.

How trivial does it sound that I equate a movie soundtrack with my life?  Ugh.  The lyrics of Gollum’s Song from The Lord of the Rings pretty much sums up how I feel about my abortion, though… 

Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don’t say goodbye
Don’t say I didn’t try

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies you told us
The hurt, the blame!
And we will weep to be so alone
We are lost
We can never go home

So in the end
I’ll be what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me

Now we say goodbye
We say you didn’t try

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame!

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost
You can never go home
You are lost
You can never go home

And what’s even worse is that I feel this way toward everyone involved.  Still.  Eleven years later, I still feel betrayed.  The person I have trusted throughout my entire life betrayed me.  The person I lay down with and created that special person betrayed me.  The medical “professionals” I trusted to give me “professional” advice betrayed me.  The person I turned to for counsel and advice said nothing and turned away in shame…he betrayed me.  The person I looked to for comfort when I found out my 13 week old “fetus” wasn’t the ‘cells’ s/he was first said to be betrayed me.   All for their own gain?  It feels like it.

I just told another post-abortive woman tonight that those negative feelings-the guilt, regret, suicidal feelings, all of that is not a life sentence.  I told her she had to make the time to heal, to make the effort, to want to work through it.  I’m not sure that was the truth.  Eleven years later, I still suffer.

Seeing the 13 week ultrasound of my cousin tonight and the comment by my aunt about how fragile life is really got to me.  13 weeks.  I wish I could go back but would I have my two precious sons if I could?  There are so many unanswered questions.  I wish I could take a pill and forget.  Most of the time I’m fine.  I go about my duties, helping other post-abortive women cope.  But there are times when it creeps up on me and I feel like I can’t go on another day without seeing my baby or at least knowing everything is OK and s/he is in the arms of Jesus.  Sometimes it kills me.

Since it is widely believed by most conservative Christians that homosexuality is a choice, I decided to delve into this topic in the bible.  While it took some searching, I couldn’t find anything directly referencing homosexuality itself.  Rather, homosexual sex was mentioned (count them) three times (Leviticus 18:22, 20:13; 1 Corinthians 6:9).  Side note - the irony in the scripture reference is killing me!  HA!

In context, this passage tells of what kind of behavior is a prerequisite for eternal damnation.  Notice I said behavior, not people.  Obviously it all comes down to what action we take or do not take - whether we accept Christ into our hearts or not is still an act, not a feeling, thought or personality trait.

To fully grasp this point, one must understand the difference between a thought or feeling and an action.  Also, the difference between being homosexual (a feeling or thought of being attracted to the same gender over the opposite gender) and participating in a romantic relationship with one of the same gender (an action). 

I recently read a study about hormone levels in homosexual males differing from heterosexual males in a controlled group.  In terms of homosexuality being a choice or not, I found it interesting.  There are, of course, other studies to counter the above but I think this one specifically is telling in that it suggests testosterone levels are higher in homosexuals rather than estrogen, as it is also believed by many (gays are said to be girly or sissy at younger ages).

That little study and others suggest (although I’ve yet to find any study to prove either way) that there is scientific evidence of hormonal differences in homosexual males that aren’t present within heterosexual male levels.

My conclusion to all of this is simple.  I once believed, as do the majority of those professing themselves as Christian, that homosexuality was a choice and that anyone whether male or female had the power to decide who they loved.  However, I based that belief more on blind faith and personal experience more than actually seeing the “other side of the fence” or taking anything to the contrary into consideration.  I have a friend who is homosexual and once offended him greatly with said belief.  I don’t blame him for being offended, actually, even if it was true.  I wouldn’t talk to a friend ever again if they called me a murderer, deserving of hell because I had an abortion. 

Point being (rambling again here), after taking a lot of other things into consideration, I now believe that homosexuality itself (as in being) is not a choice or lifestyle and the bible itself does not condemn someone for in fact being homosexual.  What is a choice is the act of participating in a romantic relationship with the same gender. 

All of this is just as well but raises another question I am still undecided on…  Should homosexuals be able to marry?  Premarital sex is condemned in the bible and that is in any form (homosexual or otherwise).  But are we twisting biblical scripture by allowing or even considering it?  Homosexual sex is wrong according to the bible but so is premarital sex.  So where does that leave us?

So this is it…  I get to post my first entry. 

 To start, I guess I could explain how this blog came to be.  The Babble Buzz title used to belong to my forum, which began as a pop-culture forum and then warped into a general entertainment community.  After a year of dwindling activity by members, I decided to morph the forum one more time and turn it into a relationship support forum.  So far, it’s going OK but not great.

My background is in technical support and administration on larger forums.  The largest being just under 20,000 members, which of course has a space on bigboards.com (wishful thinking on my part for my forum).  To begin any forum from scratch seemed like a piece of cake at first but after the techincal details were complete, it became somewhat of a nightmare. 

Suddenly, the one thing I enjoyed and reserved as a hobby became work.  The only thing missing was the pay.  I spent countless hours in areas I never considered to be much of a big deal on other forums I had assisted with, including advertising (possibly the biggest deal), graphic design, thinking above and beyond other forum owners-trying to think of new ways to draw people in and get them to not only register but actually participate in discussion.

At this point I’m wondering what kind of fun could be had in a community where promotion is more time-consuming than actually posting on my own forum.  It seems I spend more time trying to get everyone else to post than having fun myself.  What can be done to remedy the realization that the fun had been taken and replaced with work?  I need a successful forum to have a community but I need a community to keep a successful forum.  Yeah, catch-22.

Anyway, rambling on…  It is dinner time here at the ranch and I must go (for now).